All Change (Regimes)!
Sunday, February 2, 2014 * : Bad news. [checking his phone] They're sending Aced T in. * : No! That's so unfair! I wanted Dope-Man to win. * : [groaning] What are you nerds talking about? * : Neurovision! ["Ba-dmm tshhh" sound.] * : [narrating] Those were the changes in my new empire. It was a long time before anyone knew that what was going on was wrong, and... [Enter Pen he is wearing the outfit of a captain.] * : Hey, there's me! [Beat.] Where was I again? [Enter Citlali. She carries a guitar and a bigger bow in her hair.] * : We're on in five minutes, captain sir! * : [in real life] You can call me Dad, y'know! * : Okay, captain sir! [Pencil pokes through the ground.] * : Oi, this is troubly! Thet regime o' yours 'as really killed me! Y'know 'ow much damage you've caused? * : [narrating] Okay, now we're there. It all started just a few days ago... Thursday, January 30 * : OH, BOPOMOFO! Sorry, I really should stop saying stuff when you come home at the exact same time. * : Yeah, I've been at it for two months already! You got my schedule. Where is everybody anyway? * : Studying! * : That's ironic. * : After you? * : Après vous. * : Yay, that's right! * : Heyo, what's going on? [A. R. I.] * : The language professors are all assigning exams tomorrow. All of them! * : Except for Chinese. Lao-shih wants to give us a break for the Year of the Horse. * : [flatly] You are a horse. * : Thank you! * : Why do we even have to take some other language anyway? * : It's one of the requirements to live here. * : Myeh! * : Hey, I learn it myself! I don't have that ability it inside of me. * : I was much dumber for that. * : Really Dad? * : Where's your mum? * : [points at the TV] Là. * : Well I wasn't dumb enough to know that. [By the television, Pencil's face is barely centimetres away from the screen. She stares intently.] * : Oh, Pen, you've arrived! * : Yeah. Why's your face on the screen? That's totally bad for your health! * : 'Twas on... They says it's "comin' up" nex', but th'ale I knows they're playin' advertisements. * : What's on next? * : [groans] It's playing on every TV station. I'm missing my Card-Ash-Yins! * : Something about the government in the Parlorant House. * : Thet's Parliament 'Ouse * : The government? Leave me some space! [He is staring at the screen too. Suddenly.] * : We are back at the Parliament House with this breaking news. Terror has arisen as the number of protesters outside the building has reached two thousand. We take to the crowd to interview people. [Jump cut.] * : Hello, why are you protesting? * : I dislike President Triángolo! * : He made a promise and he broke it. * : I like crowds of large people! * : There you have it, and as this protest turns into an angry mob, this reporter must bring this scene to one of the crowd as he fears for his safety! [Cut to a beeping sound and test colours. In real life.] * : [a bit panicked] Kids, e'eryone, we've got to go! * : To the Parliament House? * : Me father can be in danger! * : How about we walk there? [A. R. I. of "No"-equivalents.] * : If we do that, can we get dinner somewhere? * : Depends on 'ow we h'end up. * : Hey, I see people from school! [She goes off to see them.] * : Wait, Issie! Aw, 'n then she left. * : Don't worry, I'll always be loyal to your daddy's president-ness. * : Thanks, Sio. * : Ah, ghost! [He goes behind Pen as someone approaches, wearing a cloak over the body.] *'Voice': Come with me if you want to live. * : Okay! * : Pen, Pen! You shouldn' get orders of any strange 'o geh's 'ere. *'Voice': Not him, her! * : I can't jus' [The figure disrobes himself, only to reveal himself to be Triangle.] * : Come on, I command you! And five others! [He pushes five of the children without looking to his side.] * : Now go with me, move, move, move! * : Oi, I'll call'ee! * : Please make it out alive! * : Hey, isn't that Triángolo? * : He's escapering! * : Yeah, escapering! [Everyone goes on to attack him. Pencil looks back in horror, showing which of the kids she took: Cil, Saye, Citlali, Salvador and Zorah.''A way to remember this: everyone but Sio with names that begin with the S or Z sound.] * : How much do we have to run? * : How ''fast must we run? * : Not very bad, I swear. [They pass a desert and reach the ocean. The mob are nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, Triangle approches half the family. He has been contorted into a square shape.] * : Omg! You h'okay? * : I'm fine... Promise. I think I lost them! * : Hey, can I call you Square? * : Why? Because the mob made me into this hideous monstrosity? * : Oi! Me husband's family'd invented the square! * : Exactly. * : We can just call you Square anyway. * : Grrrr! * : Hey, we can travel in that boat out of here! * : Good idea! * : Thet's someone's ship; you can't take'e! * : I spent much of my life taking over various things. * : Dad, wot's'ee sayin'? * : And to your right we have the New Kitu Island, or the Neu-Kitu Island as they call it. * : Neu-Kitu? * : Legend has it that they use the most current technology, but they still believe that they are a German colony. * : Ooh, are we going to take refuge on the island? * : As long as they don't know that I am being hunted down. * : Here we are! * : This is a nice place. * : We have to leave, now. * : Wot? We jus' got 'ere! * : But behold! The news tabloids are falling from the sky! They are going to know about * : Ungeheuerlichkeit! * : Everyone, after me! * : Après that! [Everyone runs away and gets into the boat.] * : Away! [They paddle away extremely quickly.] * : 'Eadcount! One, two, three, four... [realises that Citlali is not there] Oh, ... * : Hello? *'All': [friendlily] HALLO! * : I'm going to like it here. The Ndani-Na-Nje Burger. They also carry merchandise from the protest.}} * : Dad, I'm worried. We spent half our stuff on #snarkhouse2k14. * : Me too. * : I hope Mummy's okay! * : She'll be fine. And I swear, once I call her... [going on his phone] ... she'll have zero problems. [He calls her.] * : Hello? * : We've got so many problems! * : What? Are you all good; is anyone hurt; did you do a headcount? * : Aye, it's me father 'o took us, an' we did, but we're one short. * : We just decided to leave Lallie on the germy island, nothing more. * : Wot 'e means, 's thet she's gone on an island that's still wot y'says a Germanic colony an'... * : What's wrong with that? Isn't she taking German? * : No, that's me! The girl's learning anime. * : Did you try turning back? * : We would, but me father's paddlin' ach too quickly. Right now we've ended us up by Saint 'Elena! * : He always did have paddling skills. * : Lis', boy, can'ee call yer daughter, Cil needs nourishment an' the boat we stole's got non-kosher foods. * : Oh, it's no problem. Wait, did you just say you stole a boat? * : Got to go. [She hangs up.] * : Well that was problematic! She left without saying goodbye! * : Any of you want to call her? * : Sure. I'll do her invisible laundry too. [Exit. There is a knock on the door.] * : Coming! [He opens the door, and two serious-looking men with shades are on the other side. They step in brusquely.] * : Hello! What can I do for you two nice * : Wa-ga-kuni-no kyū-daitōryō-ga nige-dashinuru jijitsu-ni yori, tō-daitōryō-to shite kyū-taishō-no o-maye-wo mei-shi-ni igai-ni tori-kime-ga arazari-haberi. In older times, omae was seen as polite and not insulting as it is today. * : [to QR] I think the adults are talking now. * : We should leave. [Exeunt.] * : Now would be a good time for a Japanese translator. [Aloud.] Excuse me, other person, what was he saying? * : I wo ch'ien chu wang chug shih, wo pieh wu tse, chih k'o i chün, ch'ien lu chiang chuen, wei wo chih tsung.''It's the same thing in Classical Chinese. * : Well, thanks for stopping by, I guess! [''He starts to nonchalantly push them out of the entrance.] * : Where'd you get those shades, by the way? My wife's always saying I should bump up my style. [He closes the door.] * : Dad? * : Yes, son? * : Those people at the door said something that you were turning into a President. * : That's ridiculous! Let them believe I'm some kind of leader, but being #1 in the war was credit enough. [He turns off the lights off, transitioning into...] Friday, January 31 * : Whoo! * : Goo! * : I'm missing school for this? * : Hold on, people, I see the land! [They find themselves at a seaport on the edge of a Caribbean island. As Triangle gets off the boat with the family, they all must get into one of two queues: one saying "Tourists" and the other saying "Immigrants". They go into one of them.] * : Yo, Square, where we at? * : This is what is called Memma Island. * : Why? * : Do I look like the expert on place names? * : [to Pencil, offering] Turnip? * : Oi, we's got turnip snacks righ' next to the bacon an' cheese omelette bites. * : That's very anti-kosher. * : Put that away, we're going through customs. * : Is it a custom to go through customs? * : No, this is completely important business! [Everyone in the queue looks at him.] * : But I think the bigger question is, Grandpa, why is everyone after you? * : I have an answer, and it is something that I most regret. * : You've got th'authority to tell me, yer daughter an' yer grandchildren ... right after we get through security. * : No, I'll tell you all! Do any of you kids listen to my presidential speeches? * : Well, to be honest... * : No. * : Anyway, I shall repeat what I said, memorised: Citizens of Nairobi, I have a new announcement to make for you. [Jump cut to a taxi It is late at night.] * : "This is the time we end the worst parts of our country. This is where the corruption ends, the militarism ends, every bad thing ends. [Jump cut to a car.] * : "It is there in which we plan and make Nairobi the greatest and most well-developed city in the world. And we shall do this by getting rid of the current system. [Jump cut to them outside.] * : It's time to bust down walls and finally do something about our land! * : Thet's... really... h'interestin' 'Ow far's we gone a-walk-in'? * : [not listening] That's when one person asked, "When will you plan that to happen?" As a president, you must say what should help the people. So I answered with the date of "January 30th, 2014". [Jump cut to them in a hotel.] * : Thet's why e'eryone's after you! * : I like this hotel! * : I'm going to call Lallie to see if The Real Housewives of the West Indies is a thing. * : Good morning, my beautiful wi Oh yeah, she's been taken. [After he goes into his work clothes, he goes downstairs to find construction workers in the living room.] * : Excuse me, what is going on down here? * : [from behind the door] We were going to ask the same thing! * : Is Sio ready? He's going to take you to school. [Ximena opens the door.] * : I don't know. SIO, YOU'RE WALKING US TO SCHOOL TODAY! [The boys go downstairs.] * : Che io esca, che tu esca, che quella persona esca... Woah, what's with the people? * : We're having a party? For me? * : No, I actually have no idea. But maybe they'll tell me once you all leave! * : Wait! Can't you do what Mum does and wish us good luck before we take our language tests? [A. R. I. of valediction from Yaretzi, Ximena and Javier.] * : Uh, bone of fat tuna. * : Grazie, papà. * : [to Pen] We both know that's not true. But bye, anyways! * : "Anyways" isn't a proper grammatical constructi and they're gone. * : Hello, O sharply-dressed dude! * : Lightbulb? From Insanity? Hi, it's an honour to meet you! [He shakes her hand really excitedly.] * : Okay, you can stop fangirling me for the next thirty milliseconds. Just kidding! I'm going to be campaign manager! * : I thought you'd be in Algeria for filming. * : So did I, but we're on break right now. Got to spend some of it dancing around the African condiment, huh? * : And what do you mean, "campaign manager"? * : You know how we ousted that big, bad, old man out of office? Well, by the great pr-in-ocess of democrazy, we have decided to bring a small, nice, young man into office and that! Is! You! * : Thanks, but no thanks. I have to get to work and frankly, I'm just not really into politics any more. * : Nonce, man! We'll find someone to do your job for you. We're to make your life the best way it can be, be, be. * : Well if it makes my life better... So where shall we start? * : First, you need to appoint people into your government. * : That's easy! Just give me a few hours and I'll think of all the leaders I've had when I led the Army. * : No worries! It's called a "Provisional Government" for a reason, so we can wait for your pro vision to turn into government! * : Yeah... [Enter Eraser and his entourage of Match, Blocky, Flower and Marker.] * : Where the is he? * : Excuse me, have you got an appointment? * : I'm Pen's brother. * : AnD i'M hIs CoUsIn! * : According to the regules of nepotism, you're now the government! * : No! * : No! * : I don't like working. * : I sUbSiSt On PeOpLe. * : And all of this before eight hundred hours. [Enter the kids.] * : Oh, you're back! * : They told us at school we didn't have to show up. * : Lucky ... * : Unless you really wanted to! * : So that explains why Avi isn't here. * : Pretty much. * : What's going on? * : I've appointed a government. * : Cool! * : Ugh, this hotel is so boring! * : Sorry for not expecting a five-star place, first world wannabe. And I shall not let you out of this room. For all we know, political dissenters abound! * : Political dissenters? This island's barely h'in'abited! * : Shh, they might hear us. * : Well, I'll geh'n' find places to camp out by the beach with the kids firs' thing tomorrow mornin'. Dad, you're on yer own. * : I tell, you will regret this later! * : Yeah, I want to have fun! * : I want to be bitten by a sea creature! [They all look at her.] * : What? So I can regain their powers! * : Yeah, like that's considered attractive these days. * : Okay, you can go. But right now, kindly let me see if they've got any maize flour-related recipes in this place... What? The community won't end once we go foreign, people! * : Goo! * : Uh oh, I think somebody's tired. * : Aye, so'm I. Dad, we're goin' to bed now. * : I approve. Usiku mwema! *'All': Usiku mwema! * : Dad, I'm home from school Sorry, wrong house again! * : Good afternoon, son. * : Dad? What are you doing? What is this? * : I'll tell you all about it later. * : Aw, I wanted to say it! * : Go ahead, you're the one who can speak all quickly. * : Okay! [really fast] So we came back from school, and we saw that Dad had these icky people over and they were like, we going to be the new government. And then these people were, like, building a bunch of stuff and now this happened and you walked in! * : I've never felt more informed. * : So Pen, what's our first job? * : Probably some wine? * : Let's watch TV and hope the news isn't playing. * : Aww, I like the news! [The kids go upstairs.] * : [carrying a bottle] I got your favourite, the one from Coppola. * : Cop-a-''what did you just call me?'' * : Match, you wouldn't get it. * : It's a Singrafè thing. * : O''kay!'' * : Cool, may I have some? * : Oh, sure. * : Listen, it's nice of you and pretty chutzpa''ry of you to do the thing. * : What thing? * : You know, the fact that you're drinking the forbidden juice. * : This? It's a family delicacy. * : Yeah, before ''I, like, got involved. * : Well, it would be a littlely bad for your fans who don't, like, drink a do. * : Sorry, Lightbulb. I barely drink anyway; I can just put it do * : Excuse me, LB, we like your show, but you should totally stay out of our business. * | }}: Ooh! * : What he meant to say was * : Sure people don't like drinking. But me and my brother, I mean, me and me enjoy drinking. * : I see where you're coat-tailing, man, it's the classical "Let do and do you" thing! I fully respect your inclorations. * : And I'm pretty sure that I took the words right out of Pen's mouth. * : Not exactly, but that does give me an idea. Eraser, how would you like to be my spokesman? * : I do like eating cake. * : WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? * : And Flower, you can be our town crier! You're loud and obnoxious! * : No, I want to be the costume designer! * : [rolling her eyes] Ignoring the fact that, like, he called you obnoxious. * : Okay, but then who wants to run around town, telling the people what I'm currently doing? * : I hAvE a LoUd VoIcE aNd EnJoY rUnNiNg! * : Ignoring the fact that, like, social media exists. * : Uh, that's not a political position now! * : And Match, you can be my campaign manager. * : But I'' was your campaigner. * : I have the power to fire you, right? * : If I get paid, which I am by the AE Studios. * : You're fired. * : I was going to say that! * : As your spokesman, it's my job. * : I'm sorry, Lightbulb; maybe I'll mention you in my speeches. How's "Your Shininess" as a formality? * : Deal! Lightbulb out. Peace! [''Exit Lightbulb.] * : Wait a second. Match and Eraser and Marker and that thing got a job, what about me? * : You... can be my legislative branch. * : Damn, that sounds like non-murderous work. What do I do? * : You make the laws. * : I'd rather break the law. But since you insist, my first law is to invite Snowball over! * : No, don't do that, not after what he tried on my daughter! * : [groans] Ugh, but the cops won't arrest me! * : The police are still loyal to their executive, me. * : Omg, we doing, like, a coup d'état already? * : Match is right. We shouldn't be fighting, and not just because I hate the idea of conflict altogether. * : From now on, if I want a law, let me run it by you. * : Now that's what I want to hear. * : Because I know the most about politics here. * : [suddenly appearing] Did I just hear that? * : Yeah, now beat it, kid. * : Avi! This is a surprise! * : I don't mean to sound arrogant, sir, but you must know that I know more about the leaders of the world than all of you combined. * : PrOvE iT! wHo Is ThE p.M. oF dEnMaRk? * : Rusty Pin. * : Who's the president of, like, Togo, as in "for here" or "to go"? * : Plastic Bee? * : Who led Zimbabwe when I was born? * : I don't think Zimbabwe was even a thing! * : To be honest, I'd love to have you on my squad. [to the rest] That's what we're calling it now, the squad. * : So, I've been outstupided today! * : Aw, it's so nice! Thank you for giving me a spot in your rule and not them! [points upstairs] * : Oh, it's no problem. The world needs more intelligent people. [Sio clears his throat. The rest look back and he, Ximena, Yaretzi and Q.R. are behind him.] * | }}: Ooh! * : [eating from a large a container] You were supposed to be awake many hours ago! * : Sorry, I suppose we h'ain' accustomed to the time difference. * : Oh my God, is that ugali? I want some! * : [adding to him] I want some please. * : [adding to her] I want some please and if you don't give me any you won't have anything left out of you. * : [sigh] So much fer politeness. * : Call your husband. * : Oh, you're probably right. 'E'd be worried sick without me! * : Not that. It is a wifely duty to make her husband know exactly where she is at all times. * : My God, you a time machine from 1953? * : You mean 1950-''please?'' * : You mean 1950-please and if you don't * : Okay, we're goin' off to the beach now, callin' me Pen an' takin' a selfie f'r'e to tell'e how much fun we're 'avin'! * : Fun? There is no enjoyment from being wanted people by your own country! * : Dad, you're the wanted one! * | }}: Yeah! * : We are the ones on holiday! * : An' y'know 'ow much they 'ate politics. * : Kwaheri! * : Goodbye! * : ¡Buenos días! [Exeunt.] * : Hajui Jahannamu ambayo wataingia. [He takes another bite.] Saturday, February 1 * : I still don't get our job. * : We are the court of Dad. The "Judicial Branch", as he calls it. So if we get, like, a case or something, it's our fault to choose if that person gets arrested or not. * : That's powerful, innit? * : I've got to call Zorah about this! * : So you can hear her off-colour, yet witty reaction? * : It's probably on the news there! * : This is such a laid back place! * : Why don't we ever come here? * : Acos you can get the same type o' thing 'ome at Kenya. * : Let's play, but don't fall in the ocean! I won't go into the Pacific. * : Atlantic! [The kids spread out and throw Frisbees. Impacta, an islander, approaches the reading Pencil.] * : Excuse me, did you say that you were from Kenya? * : Aye, Kenyan raised. * : Oh my goodness, I love Kenya! I went there once and I've been obsessed with it ever since; some may consider me a Nairoaboo. * : Thet's interestin'; I've got a daughter 'o calls 'erself a weeaboo, wote'er thet means. * : Clearly you must know what exactly goes on there, especially their government! * : Wot? * : It's #20 on the top news articles today. To find news about Africa is very hard on this side of the world is hard, isn't it? * : Aye, 'tis. [Meanwhile, Zorah gets a call.] * : You're taking a call now? * : It's from the people back home. [She picks it up.] * : What's going on? * : We have the greatest news! Do you know what's going on? The top story ever? * : [bored] Yeah... [She takes the newspaper.] * : The Bank of Memma closes all its locations in Croatia. I have to go, like, save QR from the Atlantis. * : Huh? * : Wait, is it February there? * : Yeah, it's our month, yay! * : Bye! [She hangs up.] * : At least she said "goodbye". [Enter Abam with a sedan chair.] * : Your father has arrived with a court decision. * : May we please hear it tomorrow, we're watching West African cinema. * : Hold on, who are you? * : My name is Abam. Abam Simply. I was hired to carry your father around. * : Haven't we seen you on the streets downtown? * : I'm sure you have, as many have so before, and thank you for the money. Asante. * : You are very kuwakaribisha. (used incorrectly in this context) * : Dad, are you okay in there? * : His Leadership is not permitted to * : [from inside] It's okay, they're my kids. * : What's going on? * : I have the first case for you. * : Nice! You four figure it out, I write the stuff down. * : They caught a man in the Shōha saying something bad about me. * : What did he say? * : The police won't release it... * : [typing in his miniature typewriter] Enforce government transparency... * : But they did call it "mild". * : We should let him free! * : I agree! You shouldn't punish somebody for talking badly about what a leader is or does. We learned that in our social studies class. * : I have written it down. [He reaches over to hand it to Pen, but gets intercepted by Abam.] * : You are not permitted to give it to * : Hand it over. * : Okay! * : I'll leave it to my editor. [He takes the official paper.] * : By the way, how were your tests? * : I got a venticinque out of venticinque! * : Sir, you are commanded to sleep. * : Let them stay up, it isn't a school night. * : I was talking about you, who have your first meeting with the Board of Mayors. * : [half-excitedly] Can't wait! * : Er... hello. [Javier shows up, wearing two separate monocles.] * : Dad, a word? * : Yeah? * : Our history lesson says, "The council of mayors is consisted of percussion instruments." * : This isn't the first time I was looked at weird. Like, since this is Kenya, should I speak Swahili? [to the rest] Hamjambo. (when spoken to over one person) [No response.] * : Dad, have you ever considered turning into a percussion instrument? * : No, I'm okay staying a utensil... Oh, you mean that I'' should [''Javier nods.] * : Okay. [to the council] Ding! [Gasping sounds.] * : You don't make a noise like that; we learned that it's highly offensive! * : I'm sorry, when I was your age I was in Canada! * : Oh gosh, if people find out, it will start an intercity scandal! * : I am so ashamed. [His head hits the table. The instruments go silent and play along with him.] * : Good job! Now keep doing what you're doing. * : Government works the strangest way here... [Enter Sio and Yaretzi.] * : Dad, we have the best creation. * : Excuse me, I don't think you should be here. * : He's right, we should * : I think we're allowed in our own garage. [View of the garage with makeshift walls around it.] * : Anyway, I've made the perfect tool for your politics stuff. * : And I helped! [He shows him a zoetrope, a rotating image that shows what is considered a "gif" today in real life.] * : A zoetrope? * : Sure! * : But it's improved! Look! [Pen puts one eye to the invention: An image of Sio, Yaretzi, Ximena and QR. The caption '''The Lords High Judges'. Javier with the caption Lord High Parliament. Marker with Lord High Messenger. Match with Lord High Manager. Eraser with Lord Really High Spokesman. The words Led under the company of.... Pen with President Dad.] * : Very nice! * : Thanks. I came up with the names, since Lallie does that usually. * : Even "President Dad"? * : We are not that good at using your real name, Dad. * : That's Chavo's job, if he were here right now. * : Where are they? Mum and everyone else? * : She's been taken by your grandfather. * : I pray they come back. They must be having so much fun now! * : We're going back upstairs now; Mona and QR are watching ''Bottom Gear. * : Your favourite show! * : Ah, can't miss that! [going] * : Don't you have a meeting going on right now? * : Avi, you're political, can you please carry on for me? * : I'll try! [Exeunt. Javier takes a monocle off, rubs his hand over it and the sound that comes out resembles that of a Buddhist singing bowl.] * : You have all returned! * : Aye... But wot's with e'erything thet should be out 'ere in there? * : Did I not tell you? We're leaving! * : What? But I love it here! * : And you got 'atred fer nearly h'e'erythin'! * : I think the passenger pigeon whom I had sent has lost his way. * : Excuse me, we're leaving? * : Of course. It is no longer safe! * : What do you mean? The only dangers here are being eaten by sea animals! * : I follow a blog. * : Dad, you use th'Internet? Fer fun? * : No, there is a Memma Islander who has just posted that she met a Kenyan person today. The next thing that you know, people will be coming to attack this hotel room. * : There are lots of Kenyan people on this land? [Saye elbows her.] * : No, that's us! * : Apparently this island is so small that just one Kenyan makes it a community. * : An' so Dad, where's our nex' destination? * : Can we see Miami?A reference to the edit that didn't make it. Is it really humid there? * : No. In fact, we are going back to Kenya. [A. R. I.] * : Again? * : Mum, remember? We have a sister to rescue? * : Oh, I should 'a h'if thet one o' ye's gone. * : Then we shall go. * : Goodbye, hotel! * : Hey, who wants wine? [At once, Eraser, Match, Blocky, Flower and Marker hurry to the table.] * : What do you want? * : So what have we accomplished today? * : Me and Eraser made out! * : I designed your finalised clothing line! * : I wEnT aRoUnD tOwN aNd RePoRtEd WhAt YoU dId. * : I have to ask this, but am I allowed to go outside and take a walk? *'All': No! * : You are not allowed to go outside of this house without our permission. * : And we, like, totally say no. * : You can get killed. * : And we are the only ones who are allowed to kill. * : What if I go jog outside wearing a Marker suit? You've got one of them, eh, Flower? * : No, because he's a . But let's talk about me and how beautiful I am. * : Right now? * : And, my new clothing line! I call it Easer Richard Tater, or, Ease-a Dick Tater for short. [She takes out some costumes still wrapped in plastic: five are in the "Ancient Egyptian" style and one is a captain's uniform.] * : Don't they think they look beautiful?I 0023 * : I'm assuming that I'm the captain. * : Yes. * : They're dealable. * : Grr... * : But why are the rest Egyptians? And pharaohs at that? * : I like pharaohs. * : Me too. * : Omg, Hebrew school taught you, like, nothing, eh? * : Shut up, shut up! I always ditched history, but I was alive for a lot of it anyways. [seething] You're all going to be pharaohs and you'll like it. Am I clear? *'The others': Yes! * : I also discovered that I have a job for you, Pen. * : Yes, what is it? * : You have your first speech tomorrow. * : Tomorrow's Sunday. Doesn't nothing go on that day due to the religious nature of this country? [The council all look at each other.] * : And who will write this speech? * : You! * : Great, I'll start on my earlier speech about being a father. * : Omg, like, nobody wants to hear that. * : Y'know, it bothers me how you sound when you're professional. * : What, you think that all we're good for is murdering people? There's a lot to us than you think, family man. * : ThIs MeEtInG iS oVeR! * : Adieu. [They all get up and retire to the kitchen. Enter Javier, noticing them to have left.] * : Dad, what did you say? * : I questioned their logic. What power does a man in power have against his own government? * : I don't know, Dad. I just don't know. * : This is one heck of a ride! * : Grandpa Square, do you even know where you're going on this? * : Of course! You just go straight, stop when you see Chile, take a left to the Bahari ya Kusini and do a looping loop when you get to the island of that film! * : Madagascar? * : Yes, that! * : Goo! * : Does this boat have Wi-Fi? * : Of course not, you entitled child! * : Don't worry, I'm hotspotting! * : That explains your phone name! * : You're under NICKEL? * : I need to make a phone call. [In the room, the kids are still watching TV. The phone rings.] * : Hello? * : Mona, is that you? * : Maybe! * : Tell me everything that's going on! * : Okay! So Issie told me that Avi told me that Dad had, like, all these bad people around him, and he totally... [Two hours later.] * : And for some reason, he's, like, doing a speech so tomorrow he's allowed to get out of the house for once! It can be about, like, fathers or some boring old people talk. I mean, omg, can you believe what those people are doing to him? * : No! Hey, right now I'm in a no phone-zone. [She hangs up.] * : You forgot the * : Oh, be quiet. [At sea.] * : No phone zone? * : No, I just wanted to hang up. * : That girl can talk. * : Too much! Don't forget the "too much!" * : I'm going to call someone else now. * : Oh, you children and your callings. * : Dad, I was th'exac' same way. * : You're here! * : Where's your attendant? * : Abam? I fired him. * : Why? * : I told him that just as important for him to get exercise by wandering aimlessly, I should do my own walking. * : Hooray! * : It's better going about the old-fashioned way. On foot. * : I'm trying to write a speech, but can you, y'know... * : You want us to get out? * : This is our last place! * : You're right, I'll just write in the boys' room. If only your mother were here to see me all soft. * : That's good! Most of my invention designs happened in that room! * : Until then, I shall demand complete silence coming into or out of this room. This speech has to be perfect! * : But you are perfect, Daddy! * : Aww, that's sweet! [He closes the door. Yaretzi stares at it. Pen opens the door briefly again.] * : There are snacks in the royal pantry. [He closes the door again.] * : I'm sure he'll return the feeling. Y'know, when all of this is over. * : Hey, where's Avi? * : Cleaning the downstairs palace. * : Good thing we're upstairs mates, eh, Issie? * : Yes. A very good thing so. Sunday, February 2 * : W- what's going on? * : You're finally awake? * : She sleeps through anything. Her whole playlist is emo screamo at full blast! * : Y... you did not just say that! * : Good news, kids! Methinks to see th'island yer sister's on. Dad, where's thet, the Neu-Kitu? * : No, it's only Zanzibar. * : Only Zanzibar, eh? * : Poo! * : I want to check on Dad. * : Y- you do that. [She literally rolls off the bed.] * : Ow. * : You good? * : Sure! [Having regained composure, she opens the door to the boys' room.] * : Oh gosh! [Pen's head is on the laptop. The computer appears to still be typing. Yaretzi looks at the screen, at what he has been typing.] * : That's a lot of A's! Looks like Avi's report. [Beat.] * : [Aside.] I should wake him up, shouldn't I? [She gets her phone out and plays the start of the Canadian national anthem.] * : [immediately getting up] Terre de nos aïeux! [He realises.] * : Oh, Issie, it's just you. * : Good morning, Dad! [She hugs him.] * : Has my speech suddenly fixed itself? * : I don't know, you wouldn't let us into the room. * : I'm sorry, I must have been sleeping. * : Yeah! But if you want to do that speech, you're going to have to scream a lot of "Aaaaaa." [Enter the other kids.] * : Dad, what happened to you? * : I spurned my responsibilities. * : What does spurned mean? * : It means "to reject with the purpose of contempt". * : Huh * : Get rid of, Mona. * : Well that's mean! * : Well Dad, if you ever need help on your speech, we can help you! * : I don't know much about politics and stuff, but I wrote a story to Ms. Matthias about the duck, the pond and the patriarchy. * : And I'm already planning my valedictorian speech from Ibáñez. * : You don't need to do this, kids. * : I need to! I want to play on your computer after this! * : Who are the best kids ever? *'The others': We are! * : Hey, I see land! * : In nautical parlance, you're supposed to geh'n says "land h''o"! * : Okay. Land, ho! * : I can't believe I jus' allowed thet. * : Is that the island, Grandpa Square? * : According to my Map of Our Land, copyright 1954 for the Queen's Visit, this is indeed the "New Kitu Island". *'All': Hooray! * : Hooray, ho! * : 'Ello, wot's 'appened 'ere? [''They see Berdolamd, or Berde, an elderly man of the island who sits on the stone.] * : Excuse me, mister person? Have you seen a little girl wander here? * : She travels with millions of bows, sings anime theme songs and complains about her lack of stardom. * : Ich verstehe nicht. * : Hey, it's German! Sechs, sechs, sechs. * : Child, shut up! * : Oi, leave a native to this. [to Berde] Entschuldigung, aber erinnern Sie sich an uns? * : Ick entholl mi, dat ick Ji all vör een paar Dagen seeg. Willkomen torügg up uns Eiland! Why Low German? I was going to write in Low German because of the recommendation of "MLG" back in , but that was before I learned the grammar and structure. * : Oh, danke. * : Hör Deern is in Sellskupp van sekern Lüü. * : Was meinen Sie damit? * : Ofsettden Ji nich een jung Deern to'd Singen mit de Neye-Kitu Musikanten? * : Ich habe aus Versehen ein Mädchen im Stich gelassen. Sie sollte mit uns aus unserer Heimat fliehen. * : Ack verstah ick. Nu, kien Sörg, denn se's up de Weg na britisk Nairobi, üm bi'd Singen van de neye Üpperste uptreden. * : Das ist großartig 'Was?'' What?}} * : Pencil, I do not like that tone of urgency in your voice. * : [to the family] Lallie's gone off in Kenya! * : She got home before us? Lucky! * : I wouldn't be scared! She knows the ins and outs of our town just like her animes. * : Huh? * : Yeah, I don't get it either. * : Then off to Kenya we go! Thanks for 'aving us! * : Dad, 'e don' speak English. * : Well I don't speak Somali. * : To the boat, hooooo! * : ''AH! WHY THE AREN'T YOU WEARING MY OUTFIT?'' * : I thought it was casual Sunday. * : [grabbing the suit from the table] Put it on. Now. * : Okay, I'll be in the washroom if anyone needs me. * : Hurry up! * : I'll go in with him and watch him unravel and re-ravel. * : That's nice, Flower, but I know what you're doing. You were my age when I was born! [Flower grumbles to herself. Jump cut a few , when he is out of the bathroom and his white captain's uniform.] * : I look good, eh? *'''All: [saluting] Aye aye, captain! * : That was so loud I can't hear any *'All': AYE AYE, CAPTAIN! * : Oh... [Beat.] Let's go! * : Not so fast! [He goes downstairs.] * : What's wrong? * : I just read your speech. * : Did you like it? * : As your spokesman, it needed some improvement. As your brother, it sucks! * : What? All it talked about was how great of a country we live in! The public will eat that up. * : Except it's not true! Nairobi is not a good place! * : Not with that attitude. * : It was once good. Long ago. * : Until when? * : Until... [Eraser winks at Marker. Nothing happens.] * : [to Marker] Just do it! * : oPeNiNg ThE dOoR nOw! * : Until you made it terrible! [His entourage (except for Match) laugh evilly as they all look out the door to see the sky red, the whole city in flames and crowds of people bowing down to the door. They cheer as he walks out, being carried by Blocky.] * : Two days at home and this is what I miss? * : It's so beautiful! * : But ugly compared to me! * : Some people just, like, want to watch the world, like, burn. * : Match, if you're so against this, then why are you even here? * : Sorry, but I'', like, get the fame! [''She waves at the crowd.] * : Follow me on PYM! You won't regret it! Don't worry, like, I am so totally SFW. [Pen smiles to everyone awkwardly.] * : Goo! * : d idear, am I right? * : Nobody enters through the back! * : We are to go hiding in the basement. [He opens the door and it is crowded.] * : Or, let's go to the basement under the basement! * : Ooh! * : Why don' they call thet the basement? [As they enter the empty room.] * : Nobody get out until I say "Ni sawa." * : So HeRe'S wHaT yOu'Re GoInG tO dO. * : [reading from a paper] You're going to greet yourself as soon as the German people stop singing; when you do, greet the crowd and make some weird joke about something you see and next go with what I wrote for you; then end it by saying something that will really get them mad, like how Mómbasa should return as capital; just don't even dare to let the people pay attention to the us behind the curtain. * : What's today, movie reference day? * : No, it just came to me. [This exchange is spoken most quickly.] * : Omg, you know, like, how to read! * : And now, our jobs are done. * : NoW, iT's AlL uP tO yOu. [At once, they fly to a table and retreat to their phones.] * : Bad news. They're sending Aced T in. * : No! That's so unfair! I wanted Dope-Man to win. * : [groaning] What are you...The entire scene is repeated from the start of the episode. * : The WiFi's broken! * : I am not the Internet master. * : Want to play something? * : Will there be witches? * : No. * : So no! * : Oi, I can 'ear 'em! * : Pencil, do not get carried away. * : Thet's me boy. Me Pen's up there! I can 'ear 'is voice! * : So it's true! He is a politician! [She pokes her head through a hole in the ground.] * : Oi, this is troubly! Thet regime o' yours 'as really killed me! Y'know 'ow much damage you've caused? * : Penc, you're back! * : An' you... look nice. Me loves a man in uniform, y'knows thet! [Her eyebrows go up.] * : I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be here. I'm doing my speech in a few minutes. * : Oh, Pen. If y'd only known where I's been all this time... * : Okay, okay! * : Thet's me boy. [Vomiting sound in the background.] * : Don't worry, Mum, that was nothing! * : How are the other kids? * : Down 'ere with me! An' yours? * : Watching the whole thing on Lord High Bigscreen. [View of the outside, where Citlali is singing and playing a medley of Kenyan folk songs, in Low German.] * : So, y'means to says thet you're doin' a speech? As in, right now? * : One that Avi and the others wrote and Eraser edited. But not until Lallie stops. * : Aye, she's with the Neu-Kitu Musikanten. * : We really need to catch up. * : Aye, let's do thet later, yeah? I think she's finished an' it's your turn now! * : Why are they hating me? [to the audience] Good morning, Nairobi! Judging by your reactions, it's either because you hate me or you want to celebrate Halloween nine months early. [They boo him again.] * : Tough crowd. If any of you have been following my post-Army or BFDI life, you may know I have ten amazing children. *'Man': Boo Wait, it's cruel to boo kids! *'Woman': Even when they're not there? *'Man': You're right! Boo! [They boo the invisible kids.] * : [a bit agitated] Some of them actually took part in the creation of this, and right now, I'll start. [He reads the first line to himself.] * : I hate this place; I want out. Who would write that? * : "I... hate this place; I want out!" [They boo him louder than ever.] * : All this hate... This can't be happening right now. Did I mention that my brother Eraser really wrote this? [The audience go silent.] * : Yes, that's right, and... [realising everyone's behaviour in the past days] the only reason I look like a captain isn't because of my [dragging his hand from his top to his legs] commanding air apparent, but because Flower made it! Marker's been going around telling people what I've done, and Match has gone tweeting my exact words for the past 46 hours. And none of this would have been possible if Blocky had shut me out of my house and did all of this. If you should be angry at someone, it's them! [Breaking protocol, he opens the door himself, revealing the entourage, still in their pharaoh outfits. Their mouths are all agape at what has been said.] * : Dude... * : You just dissed us. * : Ooh, snap! * : [turns back] Oh, I'm sorry! Please don't hitch a ride to Greece and tell Dad! * : I didn't know you had it in you. You can go in front of a whole crowd and get all angry like that! Congrats, bro! * : It was... my pleasure? You'd better start running, though. * : Why? * : [in the microphone] I'm giving away all of the furniture that was in my palace, A.K.A. the living room. If you don't know where that is, follow the people who are going there! * : [in the back] Hear, hear! * : Move it or lose it! * : And change our living room back, please! I'll tweet the "Before" picture right now! [They all rush to the house.] * : Everything must go! [Pencil and the other kids go in the front of the building. The kids hug him in greeting.] * : I missed you all so much! * : You didn' call much, did'ee? * : I was busy. * : Doing nothing? * : What do you expect, he is in politics. * : Oh, that's a nice new look, Mr. Triángolo! * : No. Call me President. I am taking your job whether you like it or not! * : Sir, I am fine with it. Please don't worry, I know men who can fix you back to the contentious old man you are! * : Thank you, Schreiber. I will go back to "low-key" hating you as they say amongst the modern children. Kwa heri! [A. R. I. of valediction.] * : [to Square's comment] Ugggh! *'All': Lallie! * : I'm so sorry I left'ee on thet island. You forgives me, yeah? * : Are you kidding? Of course I would! That was so, like, totally fun! Like, one of them spoke fluent English. * : Glad'ee 'ad fun. [Pen walks one way back home. Pencil and the kids walk in the opposite direction.] * : Penc! * : You really wants to geh h'in the same direction as th' not-so-h'angry mob? * : Oh G-d, you're right. [He turns in the other direction.] * : When's I not? * : I can't believe our house has been fixed! * : I can't believe they took so much of that expensive stuff. * : We could have sold it! * : And made more money. * : Oh, you kids an' yer money. [to Pen] Speakin' o', we still 'a got to pay thet Memma h'Island boat-man back. * : Deal! * : I wonder who the celebrity guest on In and Around You is. : : Good evening, Kenya and East Africa and West Africa and North Africa and the other one! Now that the news is no longer illegal, I have stuff to say. : : Oh good. We were waiting for that. : : After a brief skir-mike, the President Triangle Triangle Square Square is finally back into the hands of the power, taking out that little Canadian dude out of power just like fresh Chinese food. * : [to Cil] I'm the Canadian dude. * : Goo! : : What's happened to his ever popular entourage? : : They turned into memes! But seri-leriously, Marker got sent back to Denmark in a cheap plastic bag and Flower and Blocky, why, they got arrested and sent to the big house! And then they gave birth to each other! Yay! Shropps and glasses! * : That's Lightbulb-ese for "corruption". * : Wot o' Match an' Eraser? * : They would have been arrested, but, of course, they didn't because... *'All': They're rich! : : Have you got any other news? : : From the National State Office, "Rock on, everybody!" [She waves back at the camera.] : : It appears that there is no more news today. * : Dad, are you sad that you're not a president? * : No, I'm not sad. I tried it, I wasn't popular, did not like it because of that... I'm just glad to be back a normal man again. * : Without a job. * : Hey, who wants to run to my office and beg for my job back? * : Me! * : My dinner's done. * : Kids are persuasive enough! * : I'll yell at him in German! [A. R. I. of excitement as Pen runs out of the house into the clear-skied night with the rest of the kids. Pencil sighs, ending the episode.] END Category:Episodes Category:New episodes